The Impact of Addiction on Relationships
My experience of working with people living with addiction at drug and alcohol services and treatment centres, and now in private practice as a psychotherapist, I have seen how addiction behaviours can impact relationships with those important to them. For every person I see in my therapy room, there is a family member, partner, boss, or friend that is significantly troubled by what is happening to the addicted person.
Why People Stay in Relationships with Addicted Persons
The question of why people stay in relationships with someone who is struggling with an addiction is as complicated as why the addicted person continues to use their drug or compulsive behaviour of choice despite having some sense of their life falling down around them. These relationships can often remain because humans have a deep sense of responsibility and want to care despite the difficulties that come with it.
The Lack of Support for Affected Others
It is difficult not to feel the weariness of the family and friends who are often worn down, if not hour by hour, certainly daily, by the travails that come with being in a relationship with a person whose life is on the verge of addiction or is well and truly immersed into that lifestyle. They tell me that very little support is supplied for them to address their worries, concerns, and feelings about what is happening. I know this from working in a counselling service that provides an 8-Week group for Affected Others three times a year in Richmond, Greater London.
The Cost of Relationships with an Addicted Person
These relationships can be at a considerable cost to the affected other. Often, they are mothers, wives, sisters, brothers, husbands, and friends whose well-being is affected physically, mentally, and soulfully. Self-care is regarded as a luxury for the benefit of others, believing if they take time for themselves, they are being selfish. However, as uncomfortable as it sounds, there is a need for more time and compassion for themselves.
The Dynamic of Relationships with Addicted Persons
The selfishness that the affected other can experience when wanting something for themselves is part of the relationship dynamic between the affected other and the addicted person. In some senses, the person with the addiction has become stunted by their drive to the substance or behaviour and dependent upon those that support their ability to keep doing it. There is pressure in a relationship as problematic as a relationship like this.
The drive for the getting, and the using and the taking of the substance or compulsive behaviour can be so consuming that over a period, the psychological, emotional, social development and spiritual growth can be come impeded because the addiction becomes a priority. The one affected by all of this can lose their sense of what is vital to their life. As one woman told me of her life with her alcoholic husband, “I have lost my sense of taste for everything that I once enjoyed doing in my life because his life has become my life.”
The Responsibility of Affected Others
The idea that their child, loved one, or friend could end up in prison, be homeless, lose their job, get divorced, etc, can often become the responsibility of the affected other to avert it happening. This is because, ultimately, fearing the loss of this person, they will do almost anything to avoid the death loss. The question is often asked, “How do I stop them.” Will often be replied that none of us have the power to change anyone that does not want to be changed.
The Cost of Relationships with Addicted Persons
I have met mothers battling their own serious illnesses, unable to make caring for themselves essential because they are so motivated to care for the person with the addiction. I have worked with couples whose happiness has been put on hold until their partner can stop being consumed by their addictive behaviour. One of them will report that there were moments of calm because the other could manage a period of abstinence, but gradually the disturbance returns. Sadly, the outcome is not always successful, but where a willingness can be made, the work can be done to change the dynamics of what was an unhealthy union to a healthy self-respecting, and mutually respecting one, then the addiction does not have to win. Instead, the experience catalyses change and growth for everyone involved. As discussed here, one is no longer identified by the hurt, pain, and confusion that comes from such a relationship.
Conclusion
Relationships with an addicted person can be challenging and exhausting for the affected others. They often face a lack of support, a sense of responsibility, and a cost to their well-being. However, there is hope for change and growth if they can seek help, set boundaries, and practice self-care. They can also learn to understand the dynamic of their relationship and how to break the cycle of addiction. By doing so, they can reclaim their identity and happiness and support their loved one in recovery.
So, if you would like to talk to me about booking a session for support or would like to know more about Richmond ASCA’s eight-week Affected Others psycho-educational programme starting in September 2023, please make contact at:
