When Our Eyes Met
Most of us have met someone we have liked a lot at some point in our lives. Together, we get carried along in the intoxicating headiness of those early months of the relationship, which becomes the most important thing because it feels so good. We may only raise a half eyebrow at some of the behaviours, but when you are so enveloped, it’s just easier to overlook.
Three months have gone by, and you have noticed that neither of you has stopped drinking alcohol since you met. While you like to have a good drink on a Friday or Saturday night, the amount of alcohol you have drank over this period is in no way your usual consumption. Everything about him is almost desirable except the amount of alcohol he drinks. You want to talk to him about it but you do not want to scare him away. Nor do you want to stop enjoying his company. You decide to leave it for a while and see how things go.
The Slow Shift
As humans, we want to fuel our love relationships by increasing our attachment to one another, enjoying spending time doing new things together, and having sex whenever possible. Sometimes, life gets busy, and sustaining and nourishing our relationships with these basic requirements can feel challenging. Having a glass of wine in the evening may seem more manageable as it softens the edges of the day and makes a level of contact a little easier.
Over time, the glass can become a bottle each evening, and before the nine o’clock news has finished, one of you may have fallen asleep in front of the television. While this may be harmless for some couples, it can become a wedge issue in other relationships. Causing a rupture and resentment because the alcohol is withdrawing the connection between the couple. Alcohol is a sedative or depressant and will inevitably have an impact on mood. Mood changes can cause misunderstandings, leading to disagreements and, in some cases, violence.
When alcohol becomes the third leg in the relationship, it may be time to ask oneself or each other what alcohol is giving your relationship. Is it giving you both what you need? What will happen if alcohol continues to play a role in the relationship? Can you take the lead if your partner is not ready to?
The Impact of Alcohol on Relationships
In a survey created in 2017 by Adfam, a charity helping families affected by addiction, they found that 71% of couples said alcoholic tendancies had affected their relationship ‘to a large extent.’ 77% said arguments occurred with their partner. 95% of those in the survey had said their relationship was being impacted by a loved one’s use of alcohol or drugs. 35% said that as a couple, they spent less time with each other and reported that their partner’s drinking left them and their children isolated from other friends and family. In a publication by the Institute of Alcohol Studies, Alcohol, and the Family, they found that several studies put forward that ‘a substantial amount of domestic violence perpetrators – ranging from 25% and 73%- have been drinking when they committed their assault’ (2020). While not all relationships are affected this way by alcohol use disorder, it is fair to regard it as more of a diminution of dreams than an inspiration to them.
Getting Help and Support: Changing the Dance
What do you do if you want to begin changing this pattern? If your partner is not ready to think about or look at their drinking habit and you are either affected by your partner’s drinking or you have an alcohol addiction problem yourself, then maybe begin with your GP or your local community drug and alcohol service, which you can find online. Or seek counselling where you can explore the underlying reasons keeping you in this pattern.
If you are a couple, couples therapy would be a good suggestion. However, there may be a few caveats, such as the regularity of alcohol use and the potential for dependence. Where this could be the case, it will be suggested that getting sober with support from AA or your community drug and alcohol service before a couples therapist will work with you together. Moreover, while alcohol can become a negative problem in relationships, working together to change could be a new start for the relationship. Rediscovery of ourselves and one another can only be a good thing.
I wish you great health and happiness in your quest for wholeness.
Best Wishes,
Susan
